Hooters

HOOTERS
by Ted Talley
RICKY

Is this far enough away? Okay. I’m glad your satisfied now. I’ll just stay over here and do a little sunbathing. What? So, you’ll cough once if the girl’s a dog twice for something you should shut up because we might want to hit on it. Three coughs means they’re out of range again. Cool! Four coughs could mean a chick who’s kind of ugly but looks like she might have a nice personality, and five coughs means you got a piece of hotdog stuck in your throat. What is this, some kind of college trip? The guys down at the frat cooked this up, or what? Some plan. Lying twelve feet apart and coughing. Sounds like a t. b. ward. Maybe we’ll get a couple of nurses. Oh ho HO! I don’t see where you’re such a big stud all of a sudden, Mr. BMOC! I’m not even gonna talk to you anymore, cause I don’t need this, you understand? I don’t need this advice. Not from old “Clint the Splint,” strikeout king of Eisenhower High. The only place you ever made time was in study hall! (pause, a slowly dawning realization) The real reason you want to break up the act is so you can have her all to yourself. I did spot her first, in case you’re wondering. I’m keeping you in my sights at all times from now on. If you’re planning on sneaking out and asking her to go for a drink or something, you can just forget it, because I’ll be right on your heels. I don’t know how you could do that to your best buddy. I haven’t even introduced you to this girl, and now you’re practically planning to marry her. And don’t tell me I’m paranoic, because you’ve changed, buster! You’ve changed from high school, and I know how your little brain is working. Get rid of the old Richard, right? Get her off alone and pour on this whole line of college crap, right, how goddam sophisticated you are or something,sure, if she won’t go down for you she’s bound to go down for Silas Marner. And who am I, I’m just this dumb schmuck that sells Pontiacs for his old ma. Well, you know what I think? I don’t think this girl is even gonna give you the time of day! Chicks like here don’t have to waste their time with assholes! Chicks like her can take one good look at a guy and tell right away whether or not he’s some kind of moron! Just by the way he looks! And once they’ve made up their mind you’re a dork, forget it!

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